This is great - well written and it entices great emotion/feelings etc. Nice job - keep writing

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<sub>"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who
mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

Proud supporter of =RawEm0tion =Thumbshare *ArtForTheEscape</sub>

thanks I'm glad you liked it it's my most sentimental piece of work

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You can close your eyes from the things you don’t want to see but you can never close your heart from the things you don't want to feel

I think you have some quality ideas here, namely the physical descriptions that invoke sensual images. That is pretty cool.

Personally, while the theme of sexuality and love is a pretty common one, I know you can challenge yourself to perhaps not move *past* cliche (I really think that people lambasting other's people poetry based strictly on cliche is kind of overblown and silly), but at least make it a bit more ornamental.

For example...here are some lines that I think could be more compelling:

"A sharing of heart and soul"
"Two souls becoming one"

Personally, while I don't think it is a super big deal to necessarily repeat the same words multiple times, it can indicate a laziness in coming up with fresh images. Perhaps you can find another way to say "soul" or invoke the image of persona conscious identity?

I mean..."a sharing of heart and soul" is cliche that I think can be improved. I use cliches in my poems as well (I'm rather unabashed about it), but honestly? If I'm going to use a rather common image (which I think is PERFECTLY acceptable in poetry), I do my damnedest to at least add my own unique flavor or twist on that cliche or perhaps a little word play.
I really think you can do better than "a sharing of heart and soul."

This has promise though.

-E

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Will critique for food.

thank you! I was trying to keep to the rhyme scheme that's why i was repetive and i was trying to use the double meaning of filling in that stanza I'm not really sure how to keep to my rhyme scheme and make that less cliche'. what do you mean by onamental? if i understood that idea I would probably be able to make it more compelling. thank you for the critique I appreciate it and I like your imput and think i can grow from it

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You can close your eyes from the things you don’t want to see but you can never close your heart from the things you don't want to feel

Well, something that is ornamental is decorative. So I guess what I'm saying is that if you are going to use cliche, make it more decorative, spicy, or personal.

Something like: "Two souls became one" is super cliche.

Some people have a problem with any use of cliche at all or insist that it must be a new or original way of using cliche for it to be useful.

I personally disagree. I think one *can* use cliche , but I do think one needs to but their own personal stamp of style onto that cliche.

Like, what you are using are cliches in the most raw form. There is nothing added to them. They are skeletons.

With the "two souls become one" thing, heck...you could even make a math joke about subtracting or even division . For example, how do two objects/items or whatever become one?
Well, you can do that a couple of ways.

1) 2 - 1 = 1
2) 2/2 = 1 ( the slash indicated division)

SO, with that in mind...you could use the "two souls become one" thing to talk about how you guys became one when you subtracted negativity away from your perspectives, lives, whatever.
OR, you could say that two souls came together and were divided by two things (maybe the space between your bodies, the need to reach your sexual plateau...whatever...I'm sure you can figure *something* out) to form a NEW beautiful soul that is just between you guys (essentially - a relationship...or something else).

Do you see how I'm approaching this here? I'm not trying to write your poem or even say that these ideas are necessarily *good*. However, they would give your cliche a bit more personality and would make it more pleasing (decorative).

I guess that is what I'm saying. Try to look at whatever cliche image you are using and think about a way to give it a little twist or something.

I'm glad you think you can get something out of my comments. Good luck!

-E

P.S = Don't be a stranger. I would appreciate you wanderin' over to my corner of dA if you feel so inclined and have a minute or two.

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Will critique for food.

alrite thanks! that makes a lot of sense and I'll try to find some words that would spice this up a bit I think I'm a little worried about the way the syllables will work but I think I'll be able to figure it out.

and i definately won't be a stranger. If someone has spent time out of their day to read my stuff and write me feedback I definately will checkout their work too!

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You can close your eyes from the things you don’t want to see but you can never close your heart from the things you don't want to feel

I dunno if i am going to take away the lines of "A sharing of heart and soul
Filling me,
Making me whole"

but in the stanza after that I replaced the first line with "Sensuality ignited in every touch" sound any more ornamental?

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You can close your eyes from the things you don’t want to see but you can never close your heart from the things you don't want to feel

I definitely think that your new line works much better.

Keep stretching yourself and trying to look past your comfort zone. If this means you can't spit out poetry at a super fast speed (some people on dA put out crappy poems on like...a daily basis), no worries. I personally recommend taking as much time as you need to craft a poem to perfection.

I understand that this is a fairly simplistic poem, so I don't want to be *too* critical.
I think you can tighten up your simple poems to make them ultimately more elegant (note = I'm not saying "simple" in a negative way. Simple and elegant can make for fantastic poetry).

Here are some examples of good simplistic poems:

-Child's Journey
[link]

-Advanced Critique
[link]

-Waterfall
[link]

Check those out. I think you can probably see how they are fairly simple concepts, but executed really tightly.

Personally, I think keeping things simple and elegant affords great poetic potential. However, I think all too often, it can be an artificial glass ceiling.

I think you can probably do more sweeping poems that involve more complex ideas, metaphors, images, etc.

To really get there, you are going to have to look at your current work and look at the images you use.

They work for a simple poem like this, but a line like "sensuality ignited in every touch" probably isn't going to cut it in a more advanced work (in my opinion). Not because it isn't a solid line or even a solid image. However, it still lacks the *degree* of personal spice that is needed to step your game up to another level.
Look at the concept you are employing:
"desires/feelings/sensations being 'ignited' through another sensation (touch) "

The metaphor of touch igniting something isn't really new or particularly original. It isn't BAD, but there is definitely better. I think it works just fine with this poem and I think this poem is perfectly fine as well. I'm not suggesting you tear down this entire poem and try to re-work it.
I think poetry exists to serve a certain function for the artist (to get out their feelings in a particular form and possibly create a dialogue). Suggesting that you scrap it altogether and rebuild might negate the purpose of you even writing this poem to begin with.
Maybe it wouldn't though?
I think there are some solid ideas here worth expanding on and giving a more personal form that isn't so general. Maybe you actually *could* stand to gain something from going back and re-working this a bit down the road? Who knows?

All I'm trying to say is that "heartbeats accelerating" might work for a poem of this nature or "racing at new speeds."
However, if you are going to use very very common images (the image of a racing heart or two lover's hearts beating faster and faster is REALLY REALLY common), you are going to need to make them more personalized or give them some sort of twist that makes them a bit more interesting.

I would recommend trying that when you work on new poems or eventually go back to your old works.

Personally, I found it EXTREMELY rewarding to go back to my old high school poetry and completely re-work it. It was super duper cliche, but it had some cool stuff that I knew I could come back to and re-work. I ended up scrapping a lot of it as unworkable (or rather, not worth reworking) and I even often got rid of entire stanzas/lines. However, I saved some of the more compelling stuff and added onto it.

To be able to do that requires learning and practicing as much as you can. Once your aesthetic judgment and understanding is honed a bit, I think you will be a bit more qualified to make some of those calls. I recommend lookin' around dA and seeing what you like or what you find good. Isolate the principles of those poems that make them *good* in your mind. Start out by emulating those principles (not the images - the principles) and you will naturally improve in the direction you want to go after a time. Eventually, you will be really equipped to exercise your full creative potential (and that potential will be constantly growing).

just my 2 cents.

-E

P.S = I hope this doesn't sound overly critical.

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Will critique for food.

Your deviation has been featured in a news article which you can find here [link] It is also featured in my journal. Congratulations and keep up the amazing work!

--
<sub>"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who
mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss

Proud supporter of =RawEm0tion =Thumbshare *ArtForTheEscape</sub>

WOW! thank you so much!!!!

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You can close your eyes from the things you don’t want to see but you can never close your heart from the things you don't want to feel