Sta.sh
It’s been a time now
since our eyes last met
But it’s a sad memory
that makes my own wet
Beautiful earthy browns,
flecked with green and gold
From afar go unnoticed
up close a sight to behold
It reminds me so much
of our walks in the woods
And the many times we spent
in our peaceful neighborhoods
As the seasons change
And the leaves gain an aureate hue
I walk in the crisp wind
And I think of you
How autumn reminds me
Of the height of our loves past
Your eyes like the changing seasons, now icy
Their warm hazel gaze couldn’t last
T. M. Quadrel
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Now, I'm going to paraphrase something I read somewhere - though I can't remember where - "go in fear of abstractions". Actually, I think it was Ezra Pound. Abstractions are lazy, they don't provide a concrete image for the reader. The first stanza is plagued by this. What I want to know, as a reader, is what makes the memory sad, and how on earth can it be wet?
The second stanza has more imagery, although it's a bit boring. Also; if you're going to rhyme, use a fixed form. The archaic syntax is awkward and the rhyme comes across as lazy and dull.
The fourth stanza is probably the best one. It's more vivid, more alive. What with the "crisp wind" etc.
Why are you not using punctuation? I don't see using no punctation here strengthening the piece at all. It just makes it awkward to read.
When writing a poem I'd advise you to cut everything that isn't essential to the image or story you're trying to convey. I'll paraphrase Pound again, because I'm lazy: "Literature is language charged with meaning to the utmost possible degree".
Hell, I'll even post a poem of his, to show you what I mean.
The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough.
There's not a single word here that does not need to be there. When writing a poem you need to compress. Compress I say!
Now, I'm not saying you need to write imagist poetry, like what Pound did here, but read some of his poems or maybe some of Hilda Doolittle's and see how they charge their poems with imagery.
Here's some links:
[link]
[link]
Thank you for the read.
The first stanza i agree is a little vague but i was trying to foreshadow what the rest of the poem said by saying a sad memory that makes my own wet because of what the stanza at the end says.
I think my second stanza is awkward in last two lines but i don't find it dull
I have trouble with knowing where to place commas that's why it needs puntuation
what would you cut out? I don't see anything that's not supposed to be there
I you have trouble with commas, the best thing is to read. Read a lot, specially published contemporary poets, it's a great way to improve your writing.
I would compress, get rid of everything that's not essential to what you're trying to convey, cut the fluff, keep the essence.
Imagism was a literary movement in the early 1900s that focused on, that's right, imagery. The reason I linked some examples of it is because they've many of the qualities that inexperienced poets should focus on. That's just my opinion, though, as is all I've written here.
[link]